When Growth Means Disappointing People

“I just don’t want to disappoint people,” she said. I have heard this statement numerous times from leaders at all levels. What I know now is that for some of us, disappointing people feels like a hard stop, a death of sorts. Sometimes, it feels like the end of a relationship, and sometimes it is.

A few months ago, I was at a leadership conference, and a CEO spoke about how she’d needed to make the difficult conversation to let go of key employees who had helped to build the company. The company was going in a new direction, and the loyal employees hadn’t been able to adapt to a new way of thinking. I stopped by to speak with her during the break. I understood that while she’d spoken about the decision, she was still adjusting to the emotional aftermath. She didn’t know me, and I searched for something to bridge the gap of a stranger trying to provide emotional support. Finally, I said, “Look, I needed to make some difficult decisions last year. I realized that my loyalty and my fear of disappointing people had put a ceiling on my own growth and the growth of my company.” I saw the click, and I knew that she understood that I understood.

Let me stop here for a moment. I don’t have the words or the magic to make you feel good about disappointing people. What I do know is that life is an unending interaction of decisions–good ones, bad ones, and ultimately, the ones that we need to make to allow ourselves to sleep at night. I also know that time, money, and energy are finite resources, and as we grow, how we use them needs to change to adapt to our growth.

I didn’t even know that I struggled with disappointing people. But in the middle of a radio interview in 2021, I realized I had a problem. The radio host assumed I had space for new endeavors and asked how the listening audience could reach me. I paused as my current commitments flashed through my mind. I didn’t know what to say. I’m big on keeping promises, and I realized there was no room to keep my current promises and make room for new ones. To be clear, many of these promises were those I’d made in my mind out of my sense of loyalty, duty, and obligation.

After the radio show, I was encouraging my colleague who had been on air with me. He was concerned about a business move he needed to make that would impact his customers. He spoke about not wanting to disappoint them. I was mid-sentence in helping him justify the disappointment when I realized I was preaching to myself. It was one of those inescapable lightbulb and “oh crap” moments where I saw the truth, knew I needed to act, and realized that those actions would have consequences.

The insight was that I’d been so loyal to the people around me that I’d created a ceiling on my opportunity. 

I informed the radio show host that we should pivot for the follow-up segment. There, I spoke about disappointment insight from the previous show. The host had a great point. She noted that the pain of disappointing others is temporary; disappointment is not a permanent condition. People get disappointed. Then they figure out how to move forward.

A few weeks later, I met a friend and fellow business owner for lunch. I told him about my struggle, and his first words were, “Tricia, you have a right to grow.”

It took me a little while to shift things and gear myself up for it, but for the next year, I disappointed people. It felt awful, and people’s reactions showed that my fear of disappointing them wasn’t an inflated ego. They cried; it sucked. People asked me how I was doing, and my words were, ‘Well, I just spent the last six months disappointing people. I’m alive. How are you?”

The worst part is that the people I disappointed didn’t do anything wrong. I simply needed room to grow. 

I understand this article is about how to help you cope, but I need to complain about disappointing people for a bit longer. On top of disappointing people, I had the insight that I would need to CONTINUE to disappoint people. No one teaches you this. “Hey, part of growth and peak performance is that you’ll disappoint people.” or “Emotional intelligence skillsets –how to disappoint people and get comfortable with it.” or “Good to Great Leadership – Disappoint People!”

Do you know that sinking feeling of truth that isn’t convenient or pleasant? Often, we know that we will have to let people down long before we have the courage to do so. The thing about truth is that it doesn’t become untrue by waiting. Prolonging the agony can cost us energy, focus, and power. In some cases, relationships slowly erode, or we inadvertently steal another person’s options that may have been available if we had disappointed them sooner.

About two years after the radio interview, I was a collaborator in a leadership initiative I’d been wildly passionate about for a long time. Some fit and logistical concerns caused me to question how it would fit into my current commitments and larger goals. One day, I opened an email and had that flashing, sinking feeling of truth. This time, I sent the disappointment email within 30 minutes of clarity. It was awful. I felt nauseous. I knew that I had confused and blindsided people. Deep inside, I knew I needed to clear out mental space, simplify, and make room for my most important commitments. My promise to myself and my clients is to remain sharp and refueled to bring my whole self to the table. 

As the radio host had said, though, the pain was temporary. Just a few hours after the closing email, I felt free. I hadn’t even understood how much emotional and mental space that commitment had taken until I let it go. Suddenly, the period of disappointing people had yielded an opportunity to bring my absolute best to myself and those around me. It had opened space for priorities that had taken a backseat during a year of overload.

After pulling out of the leadership initiative, I worried for a while about a relationship with someone I liked and respected. We eventually were in the same place at the same time, and I simply described the angst I’d felt. He was incredibly supportive, and the relationship continued in the best possible way.

However, I’ve disappointed more people since then, and sometimes, the decision is the end of a relationship. It’s natural to feel sad when we want something to work. If we care about others, it’s normal to second-guess and maybe even feel guilty, even if we know deep inside that we made the right decision.

Sometimes, it takes a while for the variables to shake out and for us to feel the positive benefits of the decision; that lag time in validation doesn’t mean that it was the wrong one. 

1. Just because it feels horrible doesn’t mean it’s wrong. Sometimes, we assume that negative emotions signal a bad decision, and this assumption is not always true.

2. Know that disappointing others doesn’t mean you are bad. 

3. Their life will go on. Again, depending on the level of disappointment, the aftermath may not be pretty. But disappointment IS temporary. 

4. You will either disappoint people or stagnate in the handcuffs of others’ expectations.

5. If you have a faith-based value system, sometimes disappointing people is what it takes to be true to yourself and God.

I don’t know who you need to disappoint today. I wish I could make it easier, but it’s tough if you care about taking care of others or meeting their expectations. However, you have done other hard things. Bring your courage, your kindness, and your truth…so that you can disappoint and get on the other side. Then, use the space that opens up to continue forward with excellence..

Dr. Tricia Groff is an executive coach, psychologist, confidante, and strategic partner, and author of Relational Genius. She works with high-achieving executives on intersecting systems of personal, business, and emerging change. drtriciagroff.com